Far Removed

I am analytical.  I can seem emotionless.  I'm not preoccupied with emotion.  There are more interesting things to think about than how I feel. My approach to emotion is practical.  I have thought about it a lot.  Emotions have a narrow range of functions.  The most important ones are to support our social structures and to motivate us toward necessary resolutions.  Beyond all that, I find that my private feelings can usually be ignored.  Emotion isn't very useful for analysis.  Feelings can obstruct reason.  It's natural and easy for me to think like this.  Any intellectualizing I do about how my emotions work is unnecessary for them to work that way. I do have strong emotions.  I don't  consciously suppress my feelings.  I often feel lonely and I have anxiety problems that significantly affect my ability to function.  I'm too sensitive to criticism  and I am also fearful. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed....

I walk past another person.  I feel anxious.  I don't know where to look, what to do.  Speak or no?  Smile or stare straight ahead?  There are lots of options.  I don't think about all of them.  I don't know what to expect or what they expect of me.  I feel my facial expression like a mask that's too tight.  I try to look unaffected, like I belong where I am.  I fight the feeling that I'm necessarily an imposition. Look at the interloper.  I can't guess what people are thinking but I know that they probably are so I imagine their critiques of me.  Here comes an outsider.  He is out of place.  His being in my vicinity calls for my consideration of his appearance, his character, his intention, his station.  He invites negative assessment. Intrusive thoughts.  Grasping for shadows trying for some kind of purchase anywhere.  Mentally stammering.  Freezing, choking.  Remembering in a flood the ...

"High-functioning" has more than one definition.  The clinical definition is related to IQ and childhood language development.  The common definition is related to how impaired a person with an autism spectrum disorder appears to be.  The disorder I have isn't exactly the same as high-functioning autism.  But from the outside my impairment seems so mild that one might think it possible that I don't actually have any neurodevelopmental condition at all.  That my problems could be behavioral.  Simple as that. How should I respond when a layperson comparing my apparent impairment with somebody else's says that maybe I don't really have autism?  I could say that mental health professionals don't evaluate for ASD on the basis of such comparisons.  Or I could try to explain that there are things going on that they can't see.  Some things I have to regulate so I can fit in, such as my compulsion to make repetitive sounds for the sensation they c...

The complexity of the human experience is exhausting.  I have to memorize reactions, motivators; it's an endless task made more arduous by my complete inability to relate to it. Conversation engages suites of behaviors.  Many of mine are dysfunctional.  If I need to I can pretend they work in the usual way but it makes me uncomfortable.  Even when I seem to be doing fine in a conversation, I'm holding on for dear life.  Maintaining the pretense of higher functionality is a Herculean labor.  I've been doing it for a long time and I'm tired. When I thought I was neurotypical I wondered why certain things were so difficult.  I tried to imagine what other people experienced but I couldn't and I still can't.  Sometimes I would ask directly but some people have no insight into themselves.  Asking for that is like asking a person walking on a beach to describe in detail the separate experiences of stepping on each individual grain of sand....