Far Removed

I went to the law offices of Schad and Schad to meet with the legal professional who is helping me with my disability claim.  I used Uber to get there and back.  I waited in the parking lot for the driver who would take me home.  The driver called me, angry.  He'd gone to the wrong address and blamed me.  The app had given him the wrong address but because it didn't matter I apologized anyway and said that I had made a mistake.  He and his GPS spoke Spanish, so I did too.  I said "Soy autista" so he would know why I was being quiet.  I was so anxious that I didn't notice until there was no way off the bridge that he was taking me to Louisville.  We were going the wrong way, into the wrong city, but I couldn't say anything.  I was paralyzed with anxiety.  I was ready to be deposited in a strange place.  That seemed better than correcting him. He changed course before I could say anything and returned over a toll bridge to Indi...

After my daily walk I sat on my porch to read.  A group of young men passed, talking.  One of them looked at me and said in greeting "Boss man."  I think I said hello, and I might have waved.  I don't know why he did what he did.  Maybe it was a display for his friends.  I wonder what they thought of it.  Did they think him confident, dominant, reverent?  Were they impressed?  If so, why? It doesn't occur to me to greet strangers.  Sometimes, people who live where I take my walk will wave when they see me.  I don't recognize them.  They must see me every day, but I don't see them unless they wave at me.  And then I don't remember anything about them. I walk with headphones on, listening to playlists.  Atrium Carceri, some indie and folk stuff, sometimes video game soundtracks.  I focus on the road ahead of me, trying to keep from counting my steps (2/second) or from stimming: clucking glottally, finger dancin...

What is it like to have an autism spectrum disorder? I don't experience catharsis.  Even recreation is a matter of intense focus.  I focus and then the focus is gone and I'm done until I focus on something else.  It all lasts like a burning match.  I don't experience things for very long.  Feelings appear before me and are gone.  There is sadness in my life, but it's like music from across the street.  Sometimes I definitely hear it.  Sometimes I'm not sure if I hear it.  And sometimes I don't hear it at all.  Whatever the case, it's always distant and doesn't distract me for long.  Even huge and immediate sadness.  I move between experiences like a robot being controlled remotely.  I feel things and then I don't feel them.  I forget.  Catharsis seems pointless. I enjoy things.  I'm happy and I'm sad.  But nothing capsizes me.  Good things, bad things, and things that are neutral are all the sa...

When I was a child, I liked The Little Prince .  A boy alone on a tiny planet - I identified with that.  My world is small.  My inner life transpires beneath a dome, limited as if by my real skull.  The landscape is level and there are no drops.  I like limits and I dislike surprises.  I've designed myself to some degree, but there is   an immutable way I am. I've tried recently to be more conscious of my boundaries.  I know better now how I can change and how I cannot.  I lack emotional depth and my experience of self isn't very complex.  I'm not flat; I'm three dimensional, but my dimensions are small.  My facets aren't blank, but they are plain.  I'm mostly OK with my own simplicity, but sometimes I don't want to notice it.  When I try to interact with someone who's more emotionally or cognitively sophisticated than I am, I become confused.  Many people stand, in their dealings with me, past boundaries ...

I am a diver.  I go into the water as deep as I have the courage to go.  There are fish all around me.  They breathe through gills, but I need a breathing apparatus.  They swim unaided, but I need swinfins.  I'm nothing like a fish.  I'm from another world.  Underwater, I have to rely on special equipment to see, move, and stay alive. But I don't trust my special equipment.  I feel like something important might be missing from my underwater diving toolkit.  I'm convinced that my accessories are unreliable.  I'm already disadvantaged because I'm the wrong kind of animal.  I'm an intruder. But I can't return to land.  There's no boat anywhere.  There's no land either.  I'm not a misplaced man but a diminished fish.  The truth is blood in the water. This is a very rough picture of what it's like for me living with an ASD.  It's not just socializing.  It's all of my life whenever it intersects with a...