Far Removed

You wake up and the world seems wrong.  It seems only slightly wrong at first but the more you look at it the more wrong it seems.  The colors, the light, the way things look when they're far away.  Everything seems off-model.  Different in a way that you can't explain. You go out.  It's too loud and everything costs attention.  And nothing works.  People are odd and even scary.  They build themselves entirely around ideas that you can't access the ability to care about no matter how hard you try.  You can't be sure you're connecting with them and in your uncertainty they leave you behind.  Whenever you're alone you feel as though something is about to happen.  You feel at once invisible and vulnerable. Years go by and this effect loses all subtlety.  You begin to feel pasted on the world, a design element from somewhere else.  The world for its part seems too big for its own good.  Its complexity feels pretentious...

I don't seek or collect experiences.  My life isn't episodic.  I'm not living a story.  I'm an edifice.  I stand in the elements and am affected and continue standing.  It's not an effort of will.  I am just a wall. This is in contrast to how I imagine others live.  How they consider their experiences, how they think about the content and character of the things that happen to them.  How they describe the arcs of their lives.  But maybe I'm wrong about that. I can only guess what other people's lives are like. I have no arc.  Or I am unconcerned with mine if I do have one.  Experiences flash and then dissipate.  I'm not interested in their memories.  Or in my life's posterity.  I let experiences happen and I do nothing most of the time.  Processing is no task since I am as well off if I decide not to do so as I might be otherwise .  Does this make sense?  I fear that it doesn't. If it doesn't it's...

I read something that scared me a little. Someone on a social media platform said: "I’m occasionally reminded that brevity is a part of kindness, politeness, civility. I can be saying all the right things but if I overwhelm someone with a huge block of text or long speech those words can feel invasive, entitled, draining." I don't know whether or not this describes a common attitude.  If it does, then I am dismayed.  I can be overtalkative.  This is common in people like me who are on the autism spectrum.  My social anxiety is related to the social difficulties my autism creates.  The above quote seems to confirm my fears that listening to me can be draining.  And it seems to support the idea that autistic people need to be quieter.  My talkativeness demonstrates interest, fondness, even trust.  I resent the implication that the way I am naturally seems invasive, entitled, or unkind.  That I seem uncivil on the rare occasion that I am comfor...

I have effectively retired from society.  I don't see friends and I am not close to many people.  I have few connections of any kind. I am enjoying this in big ways.  My mental health has been better.  My anxiety and depression feel almost under control.  Contributing to this, I believe, is informed self consideration.  I enter now into introspection with better understanding about what is happening to me.  I can self reflect more precisely and I feel better at understanding what I discover during self reflection.  This and a calculated withdrawal from social life have seen my overall mood improve somewhat. Said withdrawal remains in progress.  I continue to close avenues of distress.  Ways into suffering.  I've separated from social media as much as possible.  And I ignore the stressors therein when I must engage.  This has meant abandoning some relationships but that is OK.  My life has no social dimension.  ...