Far Removed

There are articles about how Edward Scissorhands can relate to autism spectrum disorder.  This isn't one of them. I watch casual interactions.  I don't know how people decide what to say when making small talk.  I don't know what to say myself.  And I don't know what people expect.  Trying to conduct a casual conversation is for me like being colorblind and trying to solve a Rubik's cube.  I can only guess.  I err on the side of politeness and that usually works all right.  Somebody told me I should ask people about themselves so I try to do that.  I have a short list of things to say in any given situation.  Like a dialogue tree in a video game.  Is this what it's like for other people?  I don't know. The video game analogy might not be relatable to everyone but I think it's good.  Video games are limited by their scripts, even those that give the player a lot of freedom.  The play experience happens within clear...

What do I think about being autistic?  Am I bitter about it?  Do I consider the positives and negatives and then have some feeling about being on the spectrum? I don't think about it.  I don't know how to assess the situation comparatively.  It's the only situation available to me.  There are times when I think sadly that I must be difficult to live with.  And there are times when I wish I were more confident and better at socializing.  But I don't wish that I were neurotypical because I don't know what being neurotypical is like.  It would be illogical to long for an experience I can't even imagine; furthermore I don't know how.  I don't know what to envy. I don't see neurotypical people gliding through life with nothing to overcome.  Everyone struggles as far as I can see.  In light of this it feels selfish to complain about my special disadvantages.  I don't feel the need to complain anyway.  But perhaps I would if ...

There is a debate about autism.  Some people would like to find a cure.  Others believe that no cure is necessary.  I have thought about that and I don't have an opinion.  What I can be certain of is that autism spectrum disorder is a significant impediment in my life and I would remove it from myself if I could. It's easy to think of life as a small thing.  Most of it is banal.  But it's actually very complex.  Cognition is a sophisticated phenomenon.  The ways in which my disorder affects me are as numerous as the ways in which consciousness is complicated.  I don't know how to explain all of them.  It might not be possible.  I would prefer not to have a neurological disorder.  But I have one and that is a reality it might be good to explore even if it's ultimately impossible to describe every convolution of my condition. There are many ways to misunderstand people.  Understanding is a subtle task.  People a...

Restaurants should have quiet sections.  People seem to have an impulse to socialize.  Sometimes strangers will attempt to converse with me.  I don't know why.  I think it safe to say that this impulse probably has some relationship to a neurological event.  This neurological event doesn't happen in my brain.  I don't experience the impulse to socialize.  I wonder what it's like but I expect that many who do experience the impulse would be unable to describe it.  I don't see the point of making small talk even when it's explained to me. Strangers might begin talking to each other about nothing at any moment.  Maybe they want to soften situations.  Or to display some intent.  I can only guess.  When they talk to me they are asking me to invest in them.  Suddenly I have to indulge their impulse.  I have to make them comfortable at my own expense.  I don't know what they're going to say, what they might want, if t...