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Views Through a Keyhole

What do I think about being autistic?  Am I bitter about it?  Do I consider the positives and negatives and then have some feeling about being on the spectrum?

I don't think about it.  I don't know how to assess the situation comparatively.  It's the only situation available to me.  There are times when I think sadly that I must be difficult to live with.  And there are times when I wish I were more confident and better at socializing.  But I don't wish that I were neurotypical because I don't know what being neurotypical is like.  It would be illogical to long for an experience I can't even imagine; furthermore I don't know how.  I don't know what to envy.

I don't see neurotypical people gliding through life with nothing to overcome.  Everyone struggles as far as I can see.  In light of this it feels selfish to complain about my special disadvantages.  I don't feel the need to complain anyway.  But perhaps I would if I could see the breadth of my difference.  But I can't.  I can only see my life from inside.

I've tried to find another angle from which to see myself.  One that might afford me a view that would make me interested in setting my identity in stone.  Or one that would give me some reason for pride or lamentation.  Perhaps others can see themselves from this vantage, whatever it is.  But my popriate perspective is limited.  So I'm not concerned with deciding how I feel about being autistic.  Even when I can see the hardship it causes me, and even if I can honestly say that I would prefer not to have a neurological disorder, I remain unwilling to say whether I think it is good or bad that I'm on the spectrum.

So I don't feel particularly insightful chronicling my life with autism.  I can show views through a keyhole.  I don't have access to a panoramic view of myself.  If I am anything, I'm likely the only thing that I can be regarding the parts of my life I cannot direct.  If I'm unable to compare my experience to that of a neurotypical person, how can I explain my struggle to them?  How can I be sure I'm not showing them a struggle they don't already know?  Perhaps this confused hyperanalysis is something to which I am predisposed because I have an ASD.  If so, then maybe, hopefully, I will reveal here more about myself than even I can see.

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