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The Gravity of Mattering

I used to care very much what people thought of me.  As a teenager I was desperate to integrate.  I didn't fit in and it drove me crazy.  The world seemed made to reject me, but I didn't see that society is not the world.  I invested in what people thought because I believed winning acceptance was the only path to happiness.  I couldn't have known then what I know now because I had barely been alive.  I hadn't existed long enough to see the world beyond society.

I know now that people's opinions are ephemeral.  Good or bad, the thoughts anyone has had about me have been drops in the oceans of their lives.  I remember being made fun of, and when it was happening it was like an apocalypse.  From grade school to high school I was tormented by ridicule and rejection.  But that's over.  There's no resolution to seek now, no balm for the past.  Whether or not I should have been treated in any particular way is an infertile discussion. 

I still deal with psychological trauma.  That is a real thing but it's made almost of nothing.  I don't need to study it for information about how to proceed with my life today.  Traumatic stress changes the brain physically.  I'm not in direct control of my neuroanatomy, which by now is set barring some medical misfortune, but I am sovereign in the kingdom of the contents of my thoughts.  I don't have to govern anyone else; I can attend to my own assessments of my cognitive experience insofar as I am conscious.  So empowered, I choose release.  I decide as I am able to let others' opinions of me be immaterial to my happiness.

There is more to the world than people.  If I want, my entire life can be a cathartic process.  Or I can decide that I don't need catharsis.  I am part of something that will go on and on whether I am part of it or not.  I can forego value judgments and let all winds blow over me.  I can ignore what people think I am and focus instead on being nothing.  Thus I am light as air, finally part of the world as it really is, and free from the gravity of mattering.

Comments

  1. UnknownFebruary 9, 2019 at 11:22 PM

    Sometimes it is hard not to care what people think about you. But it is so freeing letting them think whatever they will... from afar. I really hope you find happiness in your adventure!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RyanZDawsonMarch 8, 2019 at 1:50 PM

      Thank you! And I apologize for the late reply. I wish you happiness as well!

      Delete

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