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The Mystery of Friendship

Friendship looks good on paper.  People appear to enjoy their friendships and to want, or at least to expect, to have friends.  I don't have this experience.  I don't want friends.

It took me a long time to understand that I have no desire for friendship.  As a child I thought I had to seek friendships because everyone around me wanted them.  It was part of trying to pass; I know that now but I didn't then.  I wasn't aware that other people didn't have to try to be like each other.  How could I have been?  I had no basis for comparison besides myself so I assumed everyone was like me.  I thought I was neurotypical and this was conducive to my feelings of inferiority.  I didn't know why I was so bad at being like everyone else.  It was because they were being themselves and I wasn't.  But I wouldn't realize that until long after my formative years were over.

I was a very confused child.  I had few friendships and I wasn't invested in them.  I didn't want to be rejected or to feel lonely, and fitting in seemed like the only way to avoid that, so I tried to fit in.  But I didn't.  Even with my friends.

Now I am mature and I understand myself better.  When I say that I don't want friends, I don't mean that I don't want people to want to be friends with me.  I mean that I'm not inclined to make friends.  And when I do, I'm bad at keeping them.  I don't reach out to people; it doesn't occur to me to do so.  I get nothing, good or bad, from friendship.  I don't know what impression I make on people who extend offers of friendship to me, but it stands to reason that it isn't a good one.  I imagine that they expect me to reciprocate their enthusiasm for a relationship, but I don't have the capacity to do that.  And I imagine that some may think that I have judged them unworthy of my friendship, but I don't make such evaluations.  This is the result of a neruodevelopmental condition which some would call a disorder or a disability but which I call a difference.

I am not like neurotypical people.  I am clinically asocial.  Conducting a relationship with me requires more patience and understanding than conducting a relationship with a social person.  I am compassionate to a point, but I have a significant empathy deficiency.  Friendship can only ever be of neutral benefit to me, and I am incapable of reciprocating a certain level of fondness.  My social intelligence is rudimentary and it is hard to admit that without feeling embarrassed.  But I must, because being embarrassed about myself is illogical.  I feel sorry that I have not engaged with people who have tried to befriend me, but I'm not sophisticated enough to understand that feeling.  My impulse is to set it aside as a thing that is not necessary for my wellbeing.  I have to embrace who I am no matter what.  And I will do that if I can do nothing else.

Comments

  1. JayeMarch 24, 2019 at 3:37 AM

    Understanding a person is a part of being their friend. This is something I have known about you for a long time. I reach out to you and invite you to things because 1) I think you will enjoy them (but am perfectly fine with you not wanting to - no questions asked) and 2) I legitimately enjoy your presence. Your insight on things has always amazed me and you are one of the people I hold in highest regard. Your understanding of yourself and your willingness to share it has made me do the same more. You are unlike anyone else I have ever met, and I treasure your friendship. That is the highest compliment I can give someone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RyanZDawsonApril 3, 2019 at 5:30 AM

      I really appreciate your kind words as well as your reaching out in friendship!

      Delete

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