Far Removed

Recently I announced to both sides of my family that I would not be visiting on holidays anymore.  There was little response.  I made this decision for a few reasons. First: because I have a particular neurodevelopmental disorder, and because of the way it is expressed in me, I can't experience any motivation to socialize.  This may be difficult to understand.  Most people don't even know it's possible to have a persistent defecit, or even a lack, of desire to interact with others.  You can't see the problem, and you've never experienced it, so how do you know that it's real?  There is available plenty of clinical research about asociality, but instead of talking about that let's talk about phobias.  If someone says they have a phobia of balloons, there are two main kinds of response they might get.  The first is understanding.  The second is harassment.  An understanding person will believe someone when they say in all honesty that...

I need help in every aspect of my life.  It took my a very long time to realize just how much help I need.  Left to my own devices I have very little independent agency.  Outside of my creative endeavors I am not naturally inclined toward action.  I am absentminded to a fault, though I do remember to take care of myself.  I forget about chores, dates, and rent.  I cannot support others. On my own, I'm capable of trying to do things.  But I usually opt not to.  I can't see ways forward in the world.  When it's not clear what I should do, and when I can find no clarification of such, I do nothing.  I'm comfortable doing nothing.  Trying to act with no guidance causes me severe anxiety.  When pressed or judged I retreat.  I am comfortable retreating.  Being that the world is hopelessly confusing to me I rely heavily on the safety of inaction - the only safety I know.  Forced to leave my zones of safety I experienc...

When I was a child I broke my wrist.  Another child who was there when it happened said to me that a broken wrist was no big deal.  That when he broke his wrist at football practice he just shook it off.  With this he grabbed my arm and shook it, causing, predictably, extreme pain.  Why did he do this?  He was wrong about some things.  He was wrong about what was happening at football practice.  It could be that he interpreted any wrist pain of certain intensity as being indicative of a broken wrist and therefore believed without thinking that he was capable of repairing a broken bone by shaking it.  He had apparently misdiagnosed me, but he had done so in a very specific way.  He looked at what had happened to him and imagined that the same thing must be happening to me, but where did he get the certainty of this that allowed him to grab my broken wrist and cause me agony? He was young and inexperienced, yes.  But I have seen adults m...

I need repetition.  I don't seek excitement.  My small, quiet life might seem boring.  Boredom is predictable.  When I go out, I go into a world I can't interpret. I have no handhold anywhere there. So I need predictability to make me feel safe.  I keep routines I devise because I can know them. The World of Other People is crowded with signals.  There's pressure to be part of everything.  Gatekeepers to acceptance fold their arms and wait for me to impress them with my social acumen.  I know some signs but none well.  I have to think hard about every aspect of every interaction; I can't improvise.  Being outside my safe zone, forced to follow social rituals' mystifying protocol, I feel like I'm somewhere I don't belong.  It's a desperate, drowning feeling.  A squeezing, crushing.  I overload trying to process posture, context, facial expression, tone of voice, hints and intimations, trying to guess what I'm expected t...