I need help in every aspect of my life. It took my a very long time to realize just how much help I need. Left to my own devices I have very little independent agency. Outside of my creative endeavors I am not naturally inclined toward action. I am absentminded to a fault, though I do remember to take care of myself. I forget about chores, dates, and rent. I cannot support others.
On my own, I'm capable of trying to do things. But I usually opt not to. I can't see ways forward in the world. When it's not clear what I should do, and when I can find no clarification of such, I do nothing. I'm comfortable doing nothing. Trying to act with no guidance causes me severe anxiety. When pressed or judged I retreat. I am comfortable retreating. Being that the world is hopelessly confusing to me I rely heavily on the safety of inaction - the only safety I know. Forced to leave my zones of safety I experience extreme stress.
In the past I have tried to fight through all this. Trying to subsist on my own I had no choice. With no one to help me and no recourse to retreat, I could only move forward into pain. I had to endure anxiety comparable to that which soldiers feel in a foxhole. I was barely capable of passing for an allistic person, but that gave people the false impression that I didn't need help. It doesn't take much to convince people to ignore suffering. They want to ignore it because helping requires a commitment and weakness is anathema. So I was able to hurt in obscurity, which seemed best. But now there are people in my life who want to help me and I'm seeing for the first time the extent to which I need help. And I am worried that I won't get it because I can almost pass as competent.
But I'm not competent to conduct my life alone. I have always had to seem strong. But I've never been strong. Forced to walk barefoot on broken glass, I've tried to do so as little as possible. But any amount of trying can look like capability. The assumption that I am fine on my own has proven detrimental to me all my life. While I prefer my own company, I need constant, patient help to navigate the world. And it is my great misfortune to realize this only now.
On my own, I'm capable of trying to do things. But I usually opt not to. I can't see ways forward in the world. When it's not clear what I should do, and when I can find no clarification of such, I do nothing. I'm comfortable doing nothing. Trying to act with no guidance causes me severe anxiety. When pressed or judged I retreat. I am comfortable retreating. Being that the world is hopelessly confusing to me I rely heavily on the safety of inaction - the only safety I know. Forced to leave my zones of safety I experience extreme stress.
In the past I have tried to fight through all this. Trying to subsist on my own I had no choice. With no one to help me and no recourse to retreat, I could only move forward into pain. I had to endure anxiety comparable to that which soldiers feel in a foxhole. I was barely capable of passing for an allistic person, but that gave people the false impression that I didn't need help. It doesn't take much to convince people to ignore suffering. They want to ignore it because helping requires a commitment and weakness is anathema. So I was able to hurt in obscurity, which seemed best. But now there are people in my life who want to help me and I'm seeing for the first time the extent to which I need help. And I am worried that I won't get it because I can almost pass as competent.
But I'm not competent to conduct my life alone. I have always had to seem strong. But I've never been strong. Forced to walk barefoot on broken glass, I've tried to do so as little as possible. But any amount of trying can look like capability. The assumption that I am fine on my own has proven detrimental to me all my life. While I prefer my own company, I need constant, patient help to navigate the world. And it is my great misfortune to realize this only now.
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