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Asocial Wrestlemania 34

Today I went with my friend Jacob to watch Wrestlemania with a group of people.  I took half a Klonopin beforehand because that's all I had left of that medication.  Before Jacob arrived to pick me up and on the drive to Louisville's south end I was so nervous that I was sick to my stomach.  This is not the first such stomachache I've had recently: going out to do things that I don't normally do has been a whole lot more stressful for me of late.  But my anxiety subsided over the course of the night and I ended up having a pretty good time.  I was quiet and didn't interact with the group very much.  I sat in a metal folding chair for 6 hours because I was too afraid to take anyone's spot on the couch when they got up.  (Other people did that though.)

I always dread having to socialize.  That dread has been evolving lately into something worse.  But when I do socialize it usually goes fine.  Even so, I don't desire to socialize.  I don't have that need like others seem to.  Tonight was like most other social experiences I've had.  It was a good time, but it didn't make me want to socialize more.  If I had stayed home by myself, I would have had the same amount of fun - although I would have been a good deal more comfortable.  I don't know what that means.  It's confusing that even the best social experiences don't make me want to socialize more often.  I don't know why other people seem to be so enthusiastic about socializing.  My life has no social dimension whatsoever, and trying to force myself to be social has only made me less social.  I guess that's how it feels when you try for most of your life to make yourself be something you're not.  

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