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My Disguise Is a Child's Halloween Costume

I don't know how relationships work.  I've tried to figure it out and I've tried to tell myself that I know, but I just don't.  I've never felt comfortable being a friend.  The fact is that I just don't know anything about how to do it.  Whenever I try, I feel clueless and confused, even if things go well. 

I have no faith in my ability to describe what it feels like to be so alienated.  I'm not even sure that "alienated" is the right word.  "Alien" might be better.  Put simply: when it comes to interpersonal relationships, even after 38 years, I don't know what I'm doing.

I feel like I've absorbed very little from my culture.  I'm just on the face of that deep.  The people around me are suspended in it, saturated.  This is the nature of my neurodevelopmental disorder.  Left to my own devices and allowed to be honest with myself, I'm disinterested in society and disinclined to participate in it.  Any time my interests run parallel to pop culture, it's a meaningless coincidence. 

I want friends, but I don't have a strong compulsion to seek or maintain friendships.  I feel like I should try to be a part of the culture around me, but culture in general strikes me as stupid and I really struggle to care about it.  At this point, I'm tired of trying to be like other people.  I want to try being myself for a little bit. 

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