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The Ambivalent Exile

Sometimes I feel that my autism is very obvious.  Most of the time, it isn't.  I was diagnosed at 37.  Before my diagnosis, I was heavily invested in appearing normal.   I thought I was a neurotypical person with irritating quirks.  I worked hard to suppress what was different about me because I thought I was a failure as a person.  I believed I was just like everyone else, but it was obvious to me that I wasn't.  That contradiction hurt and it made me very confused and unhappy.  Since my diagnosis, I have started trying to look at myself with more understanding.  I'm not a neurotypical person with attitude problems I must necessarily correct through self-flagellation.  I'm not a failed person.  I've started trying to be myself more often - to accept myself more.  Of course, I should have been doing that all along, with or without a diagnosis .

Allowing my pretense to slip is difficult and scary.  I relied for so long on my mask of neurotypy.  Letting my real self show more now might make people think that I'm faking for sympathy.  If anyone has gotten that impression, they haven't said so, but I worry.  My diagnosis has been a double-edged sword, which is probably something many people say.

No one reacted when I revealed that I'd been diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder.  I'm not sure what any of the members of my family think.  Some of them probably don't understand.  Others probably missed my announcement, as I made it on social media.  I didn't contact my family one member at a time to tell them.  It doesn't really matter what they think, but it would be nice for someone to be interested.

I want people to notice, and that fact is embarrassing.  I want to be under the radar but acknowledged and appreciated by people who love me.  Most of my family does not love me, though, and that's been apparent for a while.  I want to clarify: they don't dislike me, but they don't know me and they get along fine without me in their lives.  I'm weird, I've always been weird, and, to people who've already written me off anyway, it doesn't matter why.  That particular anonymity is a double-edged sword, too.

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