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The Problem With Passing

I'm just good enough at faking neurotypy that, at first, most people ignore or fail to notice the ways in which I'm demonstrably not neurotypical.  I can pass, but only for a moment in most cases.  Pressed to sustain my pretense, I become so self-conscious that my mask slips and I have to shrink away.  But, with no mean effort, I'm able to play neurotypical for long enough to interact with cashiers and most customer service people.  This is as good as it is bad.

If people think you're neurotypical, they're less likely to help you.  It appears to me that NT people are generally pretty comfortable tricking each other, dismissing each other, and leaving each other out in the cold.  When I don't seem like I need special help, I find that I don't get any help.  But obvious disability activates what could charitably be called compassion but is perhaps more correctly called pity.

I don't see myself as at war with NT people.  I want to be in their tent with them, and I want everyone to cooperate.  But I learned early to keep internal things on the inside and to present to strangers a façade that would make them comfortable.  It's easy to get so caught up in making other people comfortable that you end up not getting what you need.

Everyone needs help sometimes.  There's no exception to this.  I could be completely honest and say to strangers, "I have an autism spectrum disorder and I need special help here because I'm confused about this issue" or "I'm autistic and hard selling makes me very uncomfortable, so please don't try to push me to get a customer loyalty card."  Should I do that?  Uncertainty is the problem of passing.  I don't seem autistic at first glance.  If I say that I am, will people think I'm lying?  Can I worry about that if I am lying?

I propose that we establish a precedent of honesty.  If you can say what help you need, then do it.  Let's take away whatever shame is attached to that.  I know this is probably an overly simplistic idea, and it might be problematic, too.  I can't list all the ways my neurodevelopmental disorder affects me in a brief interaction with an employee at Best Buy.  Who I am and how the ways I think and feel arise from my neurobiology are deep subjects that I'm probably going to be exploring for the rest of my life.  But I want it to be more ok for people to be who they are all the time.  Maybe my answer sucks, but I'm going to try it anyway.  I'm going to be forthcoming about about my autism and I'm going to say what I need more often.  Maybe you will, too and something good will happen.  Try greater transparency, and let me know how it works for you.

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