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The Little Prince

When I was a child, I liked The Little Prince.  A boy alone on a tiny planet - I identified with that.  My world is small.  My inner life transpires beneath a dome, limited as if by my real skull.  The landscape is level and there are no drops.  I like limits and I dislike surprises.  I've designed myself to some degree, but there is an immutable way I am.

I've tried recently to be more conscious of my boundaries.  I know better now how I can change and how I cannot.  I lack emotional depth and my experience of self isn't very complex.  I'm not flat; I'm three dimensional, but my dimensions are small.  My facets aren't blank, but they are plain.  I'm mostly OK with my own simplicity, but sometimes I don't want to notice it.  When I try to interact with someone who's more emotionally or cognitively sophisticated than I am, I become confused.  Many people stand, in their dealings with me, past boundaries beyond which I can't expand no matter what.  This is embarrassing because I want to be normal.  I'm afraid of seeming disabled.

I don't know how I seem to other people.  I don't know what people think about.  Everything in my inner world is miniature: empathy, imagination, attention, theory of mind.  If I presume that I always make a good impression, then I risk making a fool of myself.  If I presume nothing, then I risk coming to lean on my obstacles rather than considering efforts to overcome them.  If I resolve to try to work out what kind of impression I actually do leave, I inevitably find myself pondering a void.  So, erring I tell myself on the side of caution, I presume that I always leave a bad impression.

Autism, social anxiety, learning disabilites, PTSD, low self-esteem, depression.  It's all one monster: gestalt self doubt nourished by its constituent parts in a terrible cycle.  My ego is stunted already - small like the rest of my planet.  Now, after abuse and isolation, it is also flattened and atrophied.  I am undoubtedly a creative and compassionate individual with a pleasant personality.  But I'm also a lone man in a tiny world.  I feel that as much as I feel anything good, if not a little more most of the time.


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