In an episode of Parts Unknown, Anthony Bourdain asks a group of young women about their hopes and dreams. One of them begins to answer by saying, "I want to be satisfied with myself."
Am I satisfied with myself? I'm not sure I know what that means. I'm thinking about it literally. If I am in a position to evaluate myself, then whatever of me is doing the evaluating could also be evaluated. If I decide that I am dissatisfied with myself, then I could also be dissatisfied with being dissatisfied and decide upon reevaluation that I am satisfied after all. Perhaps I might be dissatisfied with my inability to evaluate myself as satisfactory. What part of me evaluates me but is not identical to the part that is being evaluated?
The idea falls apart. I overthink it because I don't understand it. It becomes too heavy and collapses. I am bad at understanding this kind of language. I don't know what myself definitely is. I don't have impressive experiences of self. Other people are mysteries to me too. How do they experience self evaluation? I don't know how they think about themselves or others. That piece doesn't fit in my puzzle.
I am of course capable of reflecting on my actions. I can practice and learn and recognize patterns. But I don't evaluate myself the way I might evaluate an object or a situation. There are many objects and situations, but I am all that I have to work with. I don't know what there is to be satisfied or dissatisfied about. My evaluations emerge from me and I constitute myself. Basically I don't understand. I think about it and become confused.
"Be true to yourself" is another thing one might hear. I don't know what this means either. I have trouble with it. Is it meant to be figurative? I think it probably means something more than "Be honest about what you're doing" or "Don't lie about your identity." But I'm not sure. I can't imagine a situation in which I would be at odds with myself. Furthermore, I'm not certain it is so useful as to be crucial that I work to remain a clear and distinct entity. That seems to happen on its own.
I am capable of self assessment. I can consider how I feel. And I can talk about my intentions and behavior. I don't hurt people deliberately. Instead I want to help. I'm not at all concerned with how others conduct their lives. I think that I am probably a good person. But that doesn't feel like exactly what people mean when they say that they hope to be satisfied with themselves. Or maybe it is. I genuinely don't know.
Am I satisfied with myself? I'm not sure I know what that means. I'm thinking about it literally. If I am in a position to evaluate myself, then whatever of me is doing the evaluating could also be evaluated. If I decide that I am dissatisfied with myself, then I could also be dissatisfied with being dissatisfied and decide upon reevaluation that I am satisfied after all. Perhaps I might be dissatisfied with my inability to evaluate myself as satisfactory. What part of me evaluates me but is not identical to the part that is being evaluated?
The idea falls apart. I overthink it because I don't understand it. It becomes too heavy and collapses. I am bad at understanding this kind of language. I don't know what myself definitely is. I don't have impressive experiences of self. Other people are mysteries to me too. How do they experience self evaluation? I don't know how they think about themselves or others. That piece doesn't fit in my puzzle.
I am of course capable of reflecting on my actions. I can practice and learn and recognize patterns. But I don't evaluate myself the way I might evaluate an object or a situation. There are many objects and situations, but I am all that I have to work with. I don't know what there is to be satisfied or dissatisfied about. My evaluations emerge from me and I constitute myself. Basically I don't understand. I think about it and become confused.
"Be true to yourself" is another thing one might hear. I don't know what this means either. I have trouble with it. Is it meant to be figurative? I think it probably means something more than "Be honest about what you're doing" or "Don't lie about your identity." But I'm not sure. I can't imagine a situation in which I would be at odds with myself. Furthermore, I'm not certain it is so useful as to be crucial that I work to remain a clear and distinct entity. That seems to happen on its own.
I am capable of self assessment. I can consider how I feel. And I can talk about my intentions and behavior. I don't hurt people deliberately. Instead I want to help. I'm not at all concerned with how others conduct their lives. I think that I am probably a good person. But that doesn't feel like exactly what people mean when they say that they hope to be satisfied with themselves. Or maybe it is. I genuinely don't know.
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