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Systemic Dysfunction

There is a debate about autism.  Some people would like to find a cure.  Others believe that no cure is necessary.  I have thought about that and I don't have an opinion.  What I can be certain of is that autism spectrum disorder is a significant impediment in my life and I would remove it from myself if I could.

It's easy to think of life as a small thing.  Most of it is banal.  But it's actually very complex.  Cognition is a sophisticated phenomenon.  The ways in which my disorder affects me are as numerous as the ways in which consciousness is complicated.  I don't know how to explain all of them.  It might not be possible.  I would prefer not to have a neurological disorder.  But I have one and that is a reality it might be good to explore even if it's ultimately impossible to describe every convolution of my condition.

There are many ways to misunderstand people.  Understanding is a subtle task.  People are not monoliths.  They expect and rely on elaborate rituals.  Emotion adds myriad layers of meaning.  A person can change the sense of a phrase with a facial gesture or by altering the vocal inflection of a single vowel.  Human interaction is a difficult game with lots of rules and no clear objective.  I can barely keep up with it and I get confused all the time.  Asking for help can only get me so far.  Most of the time, people don't even see the mazes they've built; they're maze building machines that make complexity automatically.  I can't navigate complexity without hard, deliberate thought, but they create it without any thought at all.  This situation is not conducive to understanding and I don't know how to proceed from it.  That's another part of the puzzle that is Other People.

I don't trust anyone's ability to grasp the nuances of my disorder any more than I trust my own ability to explain them.  This statement sounds hopeless, defeatist.  It's not.  It's a broad description of one of the difficulties that my autism spectrum disorder entails.  It also entails frustration, anxiety, and depression.  It causes me considerable suffering.  It impairs my ability to conduct a normal, secure life in search of happiness.  But I am capable of remaining neutral and I find some comfort in analysis.

I could definitely do without this pervasive confusion, and I wouldn't want anyone else to experience it.  My life among others is very difficult.  I'm not ashamed of who I am; in fact, I have no emotional investment in being any particular way.  But I do have compassion for people who are struggling, and autism is a deep, complex struggle for me every day.

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