Friendship looks good on paper. People appear to enjoy their friendships and to want, or at least to expect, to have friends. I don't have this experience. I don't want friends.
It took me a long time to understand that I have no desire for friendship. As a child I thought I had to seek friendships because everyone around me wanted them. It was part of trying to pass; I know that now but I didn't then. I wasn't aware that other people didn't have to try to be like each other. How could I have been? I had no basis for comparison besides myself so I assumed everyone was like me. I thought I was neurotypical and this was conducive to my feelings of inferiority. I didn't know why I was so bad at being like everyone else. It was because they were being themselves and I wasn't. But I wouldn't realize that until long after my formative years were over.
I was a very confused child. I had few friendships and I wasn't invested in them. I didn't want to be rejected or to feel lonely, and fitting in seemed like the only way to avoid that, so I tried to fit in. But I didn't. Even with my friends.
Now I am mature and I understand myself better. When I say that I don't want friends, I don't mean that I don't want people to want to be friends with me. I mean that I'm not inclined to make friends. And when I do, I'm bad at keeping them. I don't reach out to people; it doesn't occur to me to do so. I get nothing, good or bad, from friendship. I don't know what impression I make on people who extend offers of friendship to me, but it stands to reason that it isn't a good one. I imagine that they expect me to reciprocate their enthusiasm for a relationship, but I don't have the capacity to do that. And I imagine that some may think that I have judged them unworthy of my friendship, but I don't make such evaluations. This is the result of a neruodevelopmental condition which some would call a disorder or a disability but which I call a difference.
I am not like neurotypical people. I am clinically asocial. Conducting a relationship with me requires more patience and understanding than conducting a relationship with a social person. I am compassionate to a point, but I have a significant empathy deficiency. Friendship can only ever be of neutral benefit to me, and I am incapable of reciprocating a certain level of fondness. My social intelligence is rudimentary and it is hard to admit that without feeling embarrassed. But I must, because being embarrassed about myself is illogical. I feel sorry that I have not engaged with people who have tried to befriend me, but I'm not sophisticated enough to understand that feeling. My impulse is to set it aside as a thing that is not necessary for my wellbeing. I have to embrace who I am no matter what. And I will do that if I can do nothing else.
It took me a long time to understand that I have no desire for friendship. As a child I thought I had to seek friendships because everyone around me wanted them. It was part of trying to pass; I know that now but I didn't then. I wasn't aware that other people didn't have to try to be like each other. How could I have been? I had no basis for comparison besides myself so I assumed everyone was like me. I thought I was neurotypical and this was conducive to my feelings of inferiority. I didn't know why I was so bad at being like everyone else. It was because they were being themselves and I wasn't. But I wouldn't realize that until long after my formative years were over.
I was a very confused child. I had few friendships and I wasn't invested in them. I didn't want to be rejected or to feel lonely, and fitting in seemed like the only way to avoid that, so I tried to fit in. But I didn't. Even with my friends.
Now I am mature and I understand myself better. When I say that I don't want friends, I don't mean that I don't want people to want to be friends with me. I mean that I'm not inclined to make friends. And when I do, I'm bad at keeping them. I don't reach out to people; it doesn't occur to me to do so. I get nothing, good or bad, from friendship. I don't know what impression I make on people who extend offers of friendship to me, but it stands to reason that it isn't a good one. I imagine that they expect me to reciprocate their enthusiasm for a relationship, but I don't have the capacity to do that. And I imagine that some may think that I have judged them unworthy of my friendship, but I don't make such evaluations. This is the result of a neruodevelopmental condition which some would call a disorder or a disability but which I call a difference.
I am not like neurotypical people. I am clinically asocial. Conducting a relationship with me requires more patience and understanding than conducting a relationship with a social person. I am compassionate to a point, but I have a significant empathy deficiency. Friendship can only ever be of neutral benefit to me, and I am incapable of reciprocating a certain level of fondness. My social intelligence is rudimentary and it is hard to admit that without feeling embarrassed. But I must, because being embarrassed about myself is illogical. I feel sorry that I have not engaged with people who have tried to befriend me, but I'm not sophisticated enough to understand that feeling. My impulse is to set it aside as a thing that is not necessary for my wellbeing. I have to embrace who I am no matter what. And I will do that if I can do nothing else.
Understanding a person is a part of being their friend. This is something I have known about you for a long time. I reach out to you and invite you to things because 1) I think you will enjoy them (but am perfectly fine with you not wanting to - no questions asked) and 2) I legitimately enjoy your presence. Your insight on things has always amazed me and you are one of the people I hold in highest regard. Your understanding of yourself and your willingness to share it has made me do the same more. You are unlike anyone else I have ever met, and I treasure your friendship. That is the highest compliment I can give someone.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your kind words as well as your reaching out in friendship!
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