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Holidays and Family

Recently I announced to both sides of my family that I would not be visiting on holidays anymore.  There was little response.  I made this decision for a few reasons.

First: because I have a particular neurodevelopmental disorder, and because of the way it is expressed in me, I can't experience any motivation to socialize.  This may be difficult to understand.  Most people don't even know it's possible to have a persistent defecit, or even a lack, of desire to interact with others.  You can't see the problem, and you've never experienced it, so how do you know that it's real?  There is available plenty of clinical research about asociality, but instead of talking about that let's talk about phobias.  If someone says they have a phobia of balloons, there are two main kinds of response they might get.  The first is understanding.  The second is harassment.  An understanding person will believe someone when they say in all honesty that they have a phobia of balloons.  But the person who doesn't understand might go out of their way to expose the phobic person to balloons, perhaps finding humor in their intense fear response to something so benign.  Implicit in this second reaction is either a disbelief altogether that balloon phobia is real or a misunderstanding of what a phobia is.  Everyone feels afraid sometimes, and everyone feels dislike for some things.  Some people think a phobia is simply a powerful fear, and normal fear can be overcome with some thought.  But a phobia is not just fear.  A phobia is paralyzing mortal terror.  It's the kind of fear a rabbit feels when set upon by a coyote: fight or flight kind of fear.  It's good to understand this and to respect your friends' phobias, no matter how unusual, because the alternative can lead to situations that cause them pain.  If you don't want to cause your loved ones pain, you should listen earnestly when they tell you how best to treat them in order to make them feel safe with you.

This is an illustration.  When I say that I am asocial and that I have social anxiety disorder, you could dismiss this and seek to expose me to social situations anyway.  Or you could acknowledge what I say, validate my feelings and my decisions, and allow me to conduct my life as I need to in order to feel happy, safe, and in control even if you don't yet understand.

Second: I am averse to tradition.  While I need my own rituals, other peoples' rituals mystify me.  My own rituals help me feel grounded because I understand them.  Other peoples' rituals have the opposite effect for the opposite reason.  I would rather act on what I want than on what other people want.  There is an ephemeral element in holiday celebrations that is beyond my ability to grasp.  Something spiritual maybe, or simply poorly articulated.  And I suspect as a recalcitrant and pragmatic individual that said ephemeral element often hides an unexamined impulse to conform which is anathema to me.  One which perhaps people don't want to express because it would contradict their deliberate implication that they don't want to be conformists.  Or maybe they don't know to admit it because it is a deep thing, this psychological motivation to participate in ritual.  And as conformity is anathema to me deep thought it seems is anathema to others.    
  
I am unable to participate in superficiality.  I am a deep water animal.  A relationship with someone whom I only see during holidays is to me neither rewarding nor close.  If I enter into a relationship at all, I need it to be one of substance that makes me feel appreciated for my complexity.  This is how I feel safe because, as there is so much involved in socializing that I don't understand, I need helpers who know me intimately.  On seas I struggle to chart I cannot abide a disinterested navigator.  There is much to know about me, and I can't be close to anyone who doesn't want or doesn't know to look past the surface.  So I don't visit my family for the holidays.  I presume they are always there and that they will reach out to me any other time during the year, despite difficult schedules, if they are really motivated to know me and to have me in their lives.  Not on their lives' surface, but in deep, loved and understood.  Those are the only relationships I have any interest in pursuing, blood or no blood.  Because the significance of blood relation is also manufactured, and usually just as unconsidered as slavish adherence to tradition - especially when the latter entails the sacrifice of real, deep relationships.

Comments

  1. JayeApril 30, 2019 at 5:49 PM

    I know the feeling exactly. I just didn't have the words. How interesting!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RyanZDawsonMay 3, 2019 at 4:44 PM

      I'm glad to have been able to articulate this well.

      Delete

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