Skip to main content

I Wish I Were An Android

I am a lot like an android.  I wish that I were artificial.  Will and emotion are obstacles or burdens.  I am weary of them.  I want to want nothing and to watch the world around me without judging it.  Looking in the world for satisfaction is counterproductive and I would rather stop.  I am vexed in that I have much ado to know myself.

The only experience available to me is physical experience.  My needs vis a vis my quality of life are all real, physical, limited.  And how disappointing that anything must be real.  Would that I could be in an unworld divorced from such ideas as value.

Imagine an unreal reality. Imagine observing a world whose objectivity is fluid.  I want to be transient, if I must be at all; in the world but not of it, if I must be either.  This is the appeal of being a machine: I would have suites of purposes and nothing to judge or to do between tasks.  My intelligence would be a utility and nothing more.  I would be free of self, depending on how you define an android.

Or perhaps what I want is relief from constant sapience.  Much is made of our species' intellect.  But we're not heroes against the natural world.  We're not ascended.  Who would want to be?  Why cling so desperately to the idea of man as something more than natural but to assuage a terrible fear that by our nature our wills amount to naught more than those of the things that would long ago have killed us to sustain themselves?  I want to be in that primal stuff.  It's too much work maintaining the delusion that I'm part of the best species on the planet.

So I would like to be something other than human. And then I would like for being to lose all value.  Because value is subjective and it can be meaningless if we want it to be.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Man Is Not Great: The Evolution of Anthropocentrism

Why do humans care whether their species is special? Why are they so invested in their specialness that they're uncomfortable with the idea that they aren't? Why is it a bitter pill to swallow that humans aren't uniquely important in the universe, that they aren't the intended end of evolution, and that their wondrous and diverse subjective experiences emerge from the same physical processes observable in "lower" animals? I think that the maladaptive human tendency to insist upon their specialness in the universe is an extension of an adaptive tendency to self-advocate in their tribes. Consider fear. The predisposition to turn around when you feel like something might be behind you is likely to save you when there really is something there. Most of the time, when you can't help but turn around on the dark basement steps, there's no threat. From an evolutionary perspective, it’s better to turn unnecessarily than to do nothing in a moment of danger. That...

The Mystery of Friendship

Friendship looks good on paper.  People appear to enjoy their friendships and to want, or at least to expect, to have friends.  I don't have this experience.  I don't want friends. It took me a long time to understand that I have no desire for friendship.  As a child I thought I had to seek friendships because everyone around me wanted them.  It was part of trying to pass; I know that now but I didn't then.  I wasn't aware that other people didn't have to try to be like each other.  How could I have been?  I had no basis for comparison besides myself so I assumed everyone was like me.  I thought I was neurotypical and this was conducive to my feelings of inferiority.  I didn't know why I was so bad at being like everyone else.  It was because they were being themselves and I wasn't.  But I wouldn't realize that until long after my formative years were over. I was a very confused child.  I had few friendships and I wasn...

George Versus Lennie

People seem to believe that you can't have cognitive deficits if you don't seem stupid. The image many carry in their minds of a person with cognitive problems is an image of someone whose internal dysfunction necessarily finds clear outward manifestation in unusual physical proportions, motor skills, vocal quality, and speech patterns. Less objectively, it's an image of a cartoon idiot: Lennie from Of Mice and Men as depicted in Looney Tun es .  This is a suboptimal situation.  My autism involves some cognitive impairment. Because I'm intelligent and articulate, even paraprofessionals have trouble remembering or, in fact, believing that I'm not as able to apply my intellect as ordinary people are. I'm smart, I'm not Lennie, but I'm not George either. The dichotomy between those characters is the only way many people can understand the difference between neurotypical people and people with cognitive or neurodevelopmental disabilities. If I'm n...