My therapist asked me recently if I thought that I had any unresolved anger. Apparently, he suspected that I might. I do have anger, but it's not unresolved.
I used to be very angry. I was angry because I didn't understand the world as others presented it. Others' descriptions of the world didn't comport with my experiences of it. I saw a world full of unnecessary limits and rules. Others insisted those rules and limits were eminently necessary even though they couldn't explain why and, in many cases, hadn't even considered why. This was disorienting and it made me suspect that people were lying to me.
But they weren't, for the most part. Once I stopped imagining malice, it became easier to let go of anger. I learned that being angry without being considerate was conducive to objectification, and I was objectifying the people I felt anger toward.
Some of the people who should have protected me acted to hurt me instead. I had a lot of complex anger about that for a long time. I didn't want to let go of that anger because that seemed like forgiving people who didn't deserve forgiveness. After many years, and with much difficulty, I learned that I didn't need to forgive someone, or even to stop being angry at them, to move on. Anger is a motivation. If there's no productive way to act on it, then I don't. I let the anger be what it is and then I look to better things - motivations that will promise real benefit. Holding grudges is a symbolic act, and I reject symbolism. There's no practical reason to decide that I will seethe with impotent anger forever. Forgiveness is symbolic, too. I haven't forgiven the people who did terrible things. I've just decided that it doesn't matter whether I forgive them or not. I have other things to do.
People misunderstand things. There are certainly malicious people, but even they have motivations. No one is an unmotivated evil force. Everyone is a person. So I decided to put anger down. It wasn't useful, and that was frustrating. Some of it is still there in some capacity, I just don't use it to inform my assessments of people or situations.
If I can try to understand, that's better. If I can't, then I walk away. Anger takes time and energy that I want for other things.
I used to be very angry. I was angry because I didn't understand the world as others presented it. Others' descriptions of the world didn't comport with my experiences of it. I saw a world full of unnecessary limits and rules. Others insisted those rules and limits were eminently necessary even though they couldn't explain why and, in many cases, hadn't even considered why. This was disorienting and it made me suspect that people were lying to me.
But they weren't, for the most part. Once I stopped imagining malice, it became easier to let go of anger. I learned that being angry without being considerate was conducive to objectification, and I was objectifying the people I felt anger toward.
Some of the people who should have protected me acted to hurt me instead. I had a lot of complex anger about that for a long time. I didn't want to let go of that anger because that seemed like forgiving people who didn't deserve forgiveness. After many years, and with much difficulty, I learned that I didn't need to forgive someone, or even to stop being angry at them, to move on. Anger is a motivation. If there's no productive way to act on it, then I don't. I let the anger be what it is and then I look to better things - motivations that will promise real benefit. Holding grudges is a symbolic act, and I reject symbolism. There's no practical reason to decide that I will seethe with impotent anger forever. Forgiveness is symbolic, too. I haven't forgiven the people who did terrible things. I've just decided that it doesn't matter whether I forgive them or not. I have other things to do.
People misunderstand things. There are certainly malicious people, but even they have motivations. No one is an unmotivated evil force. Everyone is a person. So I decided to put anger down. It wasn't useful, and that was frustrating. Some of it is still there in some capacity, I just don't use it to inform my assessments of people or situations.
If I can try to understand, that's better. If I can't, then I walk away. Anger takes time and energy that I want for other things.
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