Far Removed

There are articles about how Edward Scissorhands can relate to autism spectrum disorder.  This isn't one of them. I watch casual interactions.  I don't know how people decide what to say when making small talk.  I don't know what to say myself.  And I don't know what people expect.  Trying to conduct a casual conversation is for me like being colorblind and trying to solve a Rubik's cube.  I can only guess.  I err on the side of politeness and that usually works all right.  Somebody told me I should ask people about themselves so I try to do that.  I have a short list of things to say in any given situation.  Like a dialogue tree in a video game.  Is this what it's like for other people?  I don't know. The video game analogy might not be relatable to everyone but I think it's good.  Video games are limited by their scripts, even those that give the player a lot of freedom.  The play experience happens within clear...

What do I think about being autistic?  Am I bitter about it?  Do I consider the positives and negatives and then have some feeling about being on the spectrum? I don't think about it.  I don't know how to assess the situation comparatively.  It's the only situation available to me.  There are times when I think sadly that I must be difficult to live with.  And there are times when I wish I were more confident and better at socializing.  But I don't wish that I were neurotypical because I don't know what being neurotypical is like.  It would be illogical to long for an experience I can't even imagine; furthermore I don't know how.  I don't know what to envy. I don't see neurotypical people gliding through life with nothing to overcome.  Everyone struggles as far as I can see.  In light of this it feels selfish to complain about my special disadvantages.  I don't feel the need to complain anyway.  But perhaps I would if ...

There is a debate about autism.  Some people would like to find a cure.  Others believe that no cure is necessary.  I have thought about that and I don't have an opinion.  What I can be certain of is that autism spectrum disorder is a significant impediment in my life and I would remove it from myself if I could. It's easy to think of life as a small thing.  Most of it is banal.  But it's actually very complex.  Cognition is a sophisticated phenomenon.  The ways in which my disorder affects me are as numerous as the ways in which consciousness is complicated.  I don't know how to explain all of them.  It might not be possible.  I would prefer not to have a neurological disorder.  But I have one and that is a reality it might be good to explore even if it's ultimately impossible to describe every convolution of my condition. There are many ways to misunderstand people.  Understanding is a subtle task.  People a...

Restaurants should have quiet sections.  People seem to have an impulse to socialize.  Sometimes strangers will attempt to converse with me.  I don't know why.  I think it safe to say that this impulse probably has some relationship to a neurological event.  This neurological event doesn't happen in my brain.  I don't experience the impulse to socialize.  I wonder what it's like but I expect that many who do experience the impulse would be unable to describe it.  I don't see the point of making small talk even when it's explained to me. Strangers might begin talking to each other about nothing at any moment.  Maybe they want to soften situations.  Or to display some intent.  I can only guess.  When they talk to me they are asking me to invest in them.  Suddenly I have to indulge their impulse.  I have to make them comfortable at my own expense.  I don't know what they're going to say, what they might want, if t...

You wake up and the world seems wrong.  It seems only slightly wrong at first but the more you look at it the more wrong it seems.  The colors, the light, the way things look when they're far away.  Everything seems off-model.  Different in a way that you can't explain. You go out.  It's too loud and everything costs attention.  And nothing works.  People are odd and even scary.  They build themselves entirely around ideas that you can't access the ability to care about no matter how hard you try.  You can't be sure you're connecting with them and in your uncertainty they leave you behind.  Whenever you're alone you feel as though something is about to happen.  You feel at once invisible and vulnerable. Years go by and this effect loses all subtlety.  You begin to feel pasted on the world, a design element from somewhere else.  The world for its part seems too big for its own good.  Its complexity feels pretentious...

I don't seek or collect experiences.  My life isn't episodic.  I'm not living a story.  I'm an edifice.  I stand in the elements and am affected and continue standing.  It's not an effort of will.  I am just a wall. This is in contrast to how I imagine others live.  How they consider their experiences, how they think about the content and character of the things that happen to them.  How they describe the arcs of their lives.  But maybe I'm wrong about that. I can only guess what other people's lives are like. I have no arc.  Or I am unconcerned with mine if I do have one.  Experiences flash and then dissipate.  I'm not interested in their memories.  Or in my life's posterity.  I let experiences happen and I do nothing most of the time.  Processing is no task since I am as well off if I decide not to do so as I might be otherwise .  Does this make sense?  I fear that it doesn't. If it doesn't it's...

I read something that scared me a little. Someone on a social media platform said: "I’m occasionally reminded that brevity is a part of kindness, politeness, civility. I can be saying all the right things but if I overwhelm someone with a huge block of text or long speech those words can feel invasive, entitled, draining." I don't know whether or not this describes a common attitude.  If it does, then I am dismayed.  I can be overtalkative.  This is common in people like me who are on the autism spectrum.  My social anxiety is related to the social difficulties my autism creates.  The above quote seems to confirm my fears that listening to me can be draining.  And it seems to support the idea that autistic people need to be quieter.  My talkativeness demonstrates interest, fondness, even trust.  I resent the implication that the way I am naturally seems invasive, entitled, or unkind.  That I seem uncivil on the rare occasion that I am comfor...

I have effectively retired from society.  I don't see friends and I am not close to many people.  I have few connections of any kind. I am enjoying this in big ways.  My mental health has been better.  My anxiety and depression feel almost under control.  Contributing to this, I believe, is informed self consideration.  I enter now into introspection with better understanding about what is happening to me.  I can self reflect more precisely and I feel better at understanding what I discover during self reflection.  This and a calculated withdrawal from social life have seen my overall mood improve somewhat. Said withdrawal remains in progress.  I continue to close avenues of distress.  Ways into suffering.  I've separated from social media as much as possible.  And I ignore the stressors therein when I must engage.  This has meant abandoning some relationships but that is OK.  My life has no social dimension.  ...

It's almost Halloween.  I don't care about holidays.  Though predictability comforts me, I get nothing from ritual.  The list of things that I want to do is very small, likewise the lists of ways I want to do those things.  Holiday celebrations generally involve socializing, which is something I don't want to do.  And they involve what seems to me to be feigned seriousness.   People decorate for many holidays.  The decorations are unimportant to me but they're predictable and I like that well enough.  But then people go from demonstrably ignoring whatever thing a particular holiday is supposed to be about to apparently pretending to care about that thing.  Sometimes the pretense is very transparent.  This is also predictable but I don't like it because it's disorienting.  It makes people seem mercurial.  Capricious in what they value.  I don't understand the change - or the pretense of change.  And I don't und...

I do not feel that I expressed myself very well in this post. I have been trying to get disability.  It's a fight.  The process seems meant to be demoralizing.  For fear of malingerers the system resists helping.  That's how it appears to me anyway, and I know naught of the politics at work.  I have been denied twice.  Now a man from a law firm is helping me.  He said that he believes my case is good because of my seizure disorder.  PTSD, social anxiety disorder, and autism spectrum disorder are not enough to make a case, it appears. I have to prove to the government that I am unable to work because of my conditions.  This is difficult.  And the SSA already disbelieves me on principle.  Or perhaps even by necessity.  The thought of pleading to them is daunting because it seems to me that they're disinclined to help from the beginning.  I picture the SSA arbiters as austere figures with crossed arms and deep frowns. I...